How to Shake A Maniac Contest

The contest is simple but requires imagination and nerve and a certain je ne sais quoi. Here's what you do: Read the email below, an actual message sent to a friend from a crazy real estate agent. Reply to the email as if you were the recipient and send your response to The Cold Front or post in comments section below.

The winning responses will be selected by a panel of mostly literate experts. One grand-prize winner will receive a demented response and a business lunch with a maniac. Runner-up winners will receive maniacal emails.

From: loco@crazyrealtor.net
Sent: June 22, 2006Subject: real estate

Dear [Customer],

When we first spoke I told you that I wanted you to sign a buyer’s agency agreement that would let me know you wanted to work only with me. At the time you seemed to agree with my request. Why has that changed? I have done everything you have asked of me and can’t figure out why I must compete with every agent in town for your business.

I honestly can’t figure out why you would want another agent. I was at your beck and call. Showed you homes on a minutes notice. I suggested other areas to conduct a search. Helped you obtain a mortgage pre-approval letter in the event you wanted to make an offer.

Do I have to jump through hoops to get your business? Tell me in your business do you have to deal with clients like you? I am just wondering where this change in attitude has come from. I thought we were friends.

I honestly thought we were on the same page. Most agents don’t even have a college education. My negotiating skills are second to none. I could have gotten you a greet deal.
-Lost and Confused

Brazil Funk Go Tokyo

NPR, bastion of all things geeky and informed, does often also clue me into what’s up in the world of music, art, and media. Yesterday, I caught a short piece on Day to Day about Brazil’s newest Baile Funk artist--Tigarah. Baile Funk, or Favela Funk, sounds like an amalgamation of Miami Bass and Afro-Brazilian rhythms. The lyrical content covers sexually explicit themes similar to Miami’s bootie music, but Baila Funk grapples with deeper issues inside Brazil’s favelas too. Tigarah’s not from Brazil though. She’s from Tokyo with infectious grooves to make you bob your head. She’s currently unsigned and you can buy or listen to her music through her website. Be careful where you listen, you’re likely to wanna shake whatcha momma gave ya.

Magnus and the fish

Where in the world is Magmuzzleface? Check him out as he drops fake science at the aqaurium... overcomes technical muzzling difficulties to murder like Burger King as the Invincible Trismegistus Ultraphonic at the Paradise... Send your sightings or information that could lead to his eventual capture to the Cold Front.

Scion Hop

Noticed the way Scion has become a new hip hop symbol? This is not by accident. In addition to having a novel design that apparently screams, Spinners! the company has targeted Generation Y consumers with pretty innovative marketing. Doing free hip hop shows, a ‘king of the beats’ contest, and product placements on Pimp My Ride are just part of the strategy. But Scion has not teamed up with your radio rap stars. No P-Diddy. No Nelly. No big pimpin'. Someone at Scion knows underground hip hop and has connected with the likes of DJ Premier, GZA, Prince Paul, Evil Dee. The company is also combing the states for unsigned artists (emcees, beatsmiths, visual & new media). Surfing their site I discovered Reach, an independent KC lyricist with a style reminiscent of Rakim.

But does Scion undermine its association with underground culture by co-opting hip-hop music to sell their cars? I might just have to run out and buy a Scion and some grillz while I ponder that thought.

Bee-had?

So it seems my wife wishes to do battle. Defected? I haven't heard the term used in general discourse in quite some time, perhaps since the collapse of the Soviet Union. A quick search rebutted my initial thought that it may have dropped out of style with the iron curtain. Yet I cannot help noticing the choice of language, the undertones. Could the Beacon Bee contain a secret cell of radicals? Or be posing as a front for an undercover operation to undermine the good ol' red, white, and blue? Well if that's the case I've got news for you, Bee--these colors don't run! Now don't get me wrong. I love the Bee, which is why I won't allow him to be exploited in a vast conspiracy. We cannot stand by idly and let the Bee turn yellow and black on the outside but Red on the inside.

One more word of caution. Many of us remember what happened the last time the Bee got tested, how he cracked under the pressure and sided with his kidnappers. While understandable, the whole debacle put this apoidea's gumption into question. Is the Bee once again simply a pawn in a crafty scheme? And just who is behind such an insidious plot?

Please contact us if you have any information that could help in our investigation.

Business and Pleasure: Shaken not Stirred

Surprise Stash Shows They Do Not Mix Well

Last week a guy in Billerica was getting ready to install a new vanity and sink he bought at Home Depot when he discovered a fat wad of marijuana in the package.

"He found that it contained, instead of the sink top, about 50 pounds of marijuana," said Police Sgt. Roy Frost, adding that the find could fetch as much as $100,000 on the street, which might just resolve the police department's projected budget shortfall this year.

In a private interview, the unnamed mule of said confiscated contrband explained that while making a run he ducked into the Tewksbury Home Depot to pick up some gardening tools. "I go in the store and I was like, oh--let me put down my stash for a second. Cause it's heavy, man. 100 pounds is no joke. Then my friend starts joking around about how I stashed my stash in a Home Depot, in this real funny voice. You gotta hear it. So we're rolling on the ground, laughing and clowning. I laughed so hard, I forgot where I put the stuff. Then my friend was like, "Yo, let's go to Denny's," and I had the munchies real bad and, well, the rest you know."

Joe Ganja is currently on the run from police and Rush Limbaugh who, it appears, has kicked the pharmaceutical habit for a more organic alternative...

GAO Audit Proves Government Money and Pleasure Mix Like Vodka Martinis

The Government Accountability Office says FEMA wrongly paid out nearly $1.5 billion in assistance to victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Some of the items purchased with FEMA assistance?

-A 1-week Caribbean resort vacation in the Dominican Republic
-Five season tickets packages to the New Orleans Saints
-"Girls Gone Wild" videos
-Dom Perignon at Hooters
-Expenses at various "gentlemen's clubs"
-A sex change operation

All of which could also be seen as attempts to get over pain and suffering from the disasters, a point that could strengthen the case for beleaguered FEMA officials under the microscope for lack of federal planning or oversight or general brain function.

Congressional investigators' next probe will ponder whether what's good for the gander is good for the contractor... but will they ever probe the goose?

From Beacon Bees to Rozzie Ratz

Friends! Please join us on July 1st from 4pm-10ish to toast the two Melissas’ birthdays, to roast some tender viddles, and to warm up our new home in Roslindale. Granted, it won’t be a beacon block party in the true sense, but the beats still be tastey and the grill be smokey.

Please come early. And please RSVP, which makes things easier on our end. No worrries though. If you show up sans rsvp, we might ignore you but you’re welcome all the same.

BYOB. Gifts not necessary but never unappreciated. So where the hell is Roslindale anyway? (99 Roslindale Ave)

Lifestyles of the Weird and Genius

Take a barrel. Pack it with funky fresh artists. Shake furiously. Release contents in former derelict ballroom and society hall in the center of post-modern industry. The Outpost Gallery this way comes.

On Saturday June 17, get down in the heart of Brockton, in a building that almost fell over. Well, it was saved and revived and transformed into a meeting place for artists on the frontiers of media. Weekly art parties continue.
(Please note: June 10 has been cancelled due to some buraeucratic mumbo-jumbo. Did somebody forgot to grease the city inspector's pocket?)

Do not sleep on this. It will be worth the trip.

St Louis Swing II

Here's a handful more pics.

If you haven't yet seen Steven Colbert's roast of Bush at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, Check it out. I had been a bit ambivalent about Colbert, but watching this put my doubts to rest. He's got cojones.